Rules for Life

One thing ive realized past 6 months -,,,,, life has a,way of making you equal to those you think ur better than….. But, if your lucky… Those people will accept you with open arms — because, in reality…. you were the one that was less.

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Inside View of Crazymaking by the Narcisstist

I found this journal entry, it’s not dated, but is about Autumn and Ivy’s dad. It perfectly illustrates the chaos the narcissist creates in their partners. You can actually see how confused I am. He’s saying one thing while saying he’s doing something else!

“I wasn’t doing anything to him – yet he says I’m “the shit starter” This morning I was on the toilet when he started in, this evening I was making dinner. He lies and lies. I don’t know if he really believes what he claims is true.

I can’t believe he’s doing this, I really believed he loved me. I thought when it came down to it he’d protect me / have my back – like I do for him. I’d never EVER betray him like this… Wish I could, I think about (him) hurting and can’t – but he’s fine hurting meat every turn, all day everyday…

It breaks my heart he’s getting police, etc involved – I don’t want to go there – I know that can’t be undone. But he’s so cold hearted. He wants to hurt me that much. (** He would constantly call the police on me, and they’d end up arresting HIM or making him leave)

I’d like to think he knows the truth, knows he’s lying. But I’m beginning to think he really thinks the lies are true. Scares me for him. That he thinks things happen that did not happen. I can’t believe he’s outright lying!!! He’s been planning to do this for years… While my stupid ass has been here trying to make things better, thinking he was a good person, and he’d finally redeem himself… NO – he is the bad person… he’s been planning, plotting. Like he said, he’s going to take my kids, take my house, to ruin my life, to screw me over, (Which he has now done!!)  and leave me in the gutter where he says I belong. And he says I don’t love HIM!”

Notice here I’m trying to fix things, in hopes that if I do the ‘right’ thing he will change and suddenly treat me better – it’s chasing the ‘high’ of the person I thought he was.

I am so confused, I see that he’s lying, but he is telling me that he’s not lying. This classic, textbook NPD behavior called crazy making, or gaslighting. There were so many times he would be confronted with the truth in black and white and STILL lie about it. It would make me doubt myself, doubt my perceptions, doubt my senses. That is EXACTLY what this behavior is designed to do, to make you doubt yourself, confuse you, make you question your sanity. I would question myself and replay things in my mind, trying to figure out if I was wrong because he was so insistent that an event didn’t happen or words were not said. It was pointless arguing, because a narcissist is never wrong. Even if he would admit he was wrong he would twist things to make it someone else’s (My) fault.

I’ll share the rest of this entry in my next post!

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The Addiction to the Abuser (Hyde Takes Over)

There is something incredibly intense about loving an abusive man. Those who have never experienced it have a hard time comprehending this addiction. They ask why she doesn’t just leave. Why she puts up with it. Well it must not be so bad if she stays…..

The abusive relationship is about extremes. The terrible days are SO bad, it makes the ‘good’ days seem incredibly good. The lower you sink, the worse you’re treated, the more you cling to any tiny crumb of humane treatment. You can have 2 black eyes from the night before, but when you wake up and see he’s cleaned the kitchen, you know he really loves you, he’s trying so hard. Then he REALLY gets your hopes up when there’s a few ‘good’ weeks (when he’s not called you names or hit you or anything!!) You think that last incident really was the last incident and all of that is in your past, you are so happy, so in love…… Then BAM!!! The cycle starts all over.

Looking back, my girls dad was mean to me right for the start, before we moved in together, before I got pregnant. He was mean just a month or so in. We’d get in awful fights and he’d threaten to get my kids taken away, I remember him breaking a cabinet…. So why on earth would I beg this man to stay with me, why did I then decide to have a child with him and let him move into my house, without a job?

There is this incredible sick twisted feeling of accomplishment and happiness when this person who is so cruel and violent is nice to you. It’s like you are the most special person, the chosen one, who gets to see the beauty inside this horrid creature. I think that is the allure of the ‘bad boy’ that he is so mean to everyone, but lets his guard down and is nice to you. You are the one person he can trust and show his soft side to….. So you stay, enduring unspeakable pain, just for those moments when he is sweet to you. You cling to those moments, replay them over and over. If only things were always like that.

In the story of Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde the doctor switches back and forth between good and evil. He starts out good, and gradually you see less and of the doctor as Hyde takes over his personality. This is exactly what happens in an abusive relationship. You cling to the memories of the doctor, and those brief fleeting moments when he is around. You think that is his REAL personality, that Hyde is the ‘fake’ personality, not the real him. Then, one day you realize that the doctor was not real, HE was the fake part, Hyde is who that man really is. He just pretended to be a doctor to keep you around.

This is an excerpt for a journal from September 1999 or so, a letter to my abuser. I had just turned 21, and about 3 years into the relationship. Still trying desperately to ‘fix’ things, to get through to him:

“ I have felt so good these past few weeks. I’ve felt so close to you… so in love with you. I’m thinking of marriage and babies… so looking forward to our life together.

We had a long talk… and we both vowed to stop all of the abuse going on in our home. (** notice here I am taking equal blame for the abuse, he convinced me it was me making him hurt me) I told you I would stop… and I have stopped. You told me you would stop too. And I could see you were working on this.

I had such hope. All of those wonderful feelings came back and fell in love with you again. We were having fun again.

(Then) it all changes… you get so mean… start calling me names, breaking things and hurting me again. You held your hands around my neck and locked me in the bedroom I realized you weren’t being nice, you had not changed… you were not trying any harder. The only reason you were being nice is because you were high.”

It’s so interesting looking back at my own words, while I was in the middle of that hell. You can’t fix him, you can’t inspire change or love him enough to make him stop…. I promise!! I’d love to share your story alongside mine HUGS!!! A&I

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9-22-99 – He loved me, he was trying….

I just found this journal entry, this is about 3 years in, it’s brutal, but this is the reality of domestic violence……

(Older kid’s dad) is crazy. Today he tore the door off the frame and threw it outside. He threatened to hurt me. He held his hands around my neck, threw me into the bedroom and locked the door from the outside. He threatened to break my hands if I touched the phone.

(much neater writing —- rational thought??)

I can’t believe that I truly thought that He was not abusing me because he loved me.We promised each other that the abuse would stop. I really believed it was not so bad because he was trying…..

(later in day)

I work so hard to keep myself under control. I avoid loosing control – when I get to that point. I can not be with someone who will not do the same for me.

*** Notice in that, I’m relating to my abuser, empathizing, well I get mad too…. Stockholm Syndrome?

I really thought he meant it when he said things would stop — that they would be better….. I had been so happy thinking of marriage and kids. I felt so close, happy and hopeful…..

**** the HIGH of the abusive cycle!!


Today (older kids dad) called me a pathetic looser. He told me he was the only one who has the balls to call me the bitch that I am. I want to drive this pen into my skull. I want to leave so badly.

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Narcissistic abuse is WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU AS A RESULT OF being in ANY kind of relationship with a narcissist.

Family member, employee, coworker, significant other, neighbor, or friend – all RISK being a target (victim) of narcissistic abuse if they are in emotional proximity to a person with narcissistic personality disorder.

This being said:
Narcissists are rarely OFFICIALLY DIAGNOSED. There are DSM criteria which outlines the disorder; a malignant or “official narcissist” would meet 5 of the 9 criteria.Narcissistic DSM IV Criteria

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

(3) believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

(4) requires excessive admiration

(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Ultimately this chaotic & disturbed personality causes pervasive patterns of problems and abuse for those who are closely involved with them in any capacity.

The abuse can take on emotional, verbal, spiritual, physical and mental characteristics.

This is a somewhat, Quick & Dirty or “official” description of what narcissistic abuse is…

*** I describe narcissistic abuse as soul sucking, they literally get pleasure from hurting you. They lack souls, therefore need to consume yours to survive. Like vampires!!
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The Five Best Friends of the Abusive Man

Truly abusive men are out for themselves. These are the narcissists and sociopaths who walk among us in plain clothes. Abusive men rely on these five strategies to gratify their needs ahead of or at the expense of their partner:

1. Denial
Even with fingers caught in the cookie jar, abusive men are apt to outright deny wrongdoing. I didn’t do that. That’s not what you saw! This is quite crazy making for the women who live with them. These women are left questioning their own perceptions, seeking to resolve the cognitive dissonance between their experience and their partner’s description of what appears as an alternate reality. Bottom line: If you experience something with your own senses, don’t question yourself and don’t take your partner’s bunk.

2. Distortion
Distortion differs from denial in that while some truths are admitted to, they are manipulated to suite the abuser’s point of view. With distortion, they can turn a lie into a plausible truth: I may have done such and so, but I was just joking around. Because they rely on a half lie, the abusive man can be more difficult to hold accountable. The partner who is subject to this form of manipulation is apt to give the abuser multiple chances, feeling the need to have absolute certainty before they can really catch the abuser at this game. Bottom line: Don’t let him play games with your mind. If it smells bad, it is bad.

3. Deflection
The abuser that uses deflection never addresses any issue put to him. Rather, he is apt to barrage you with a host of other issues to throw you off his scent. He will make anything other than himself the issue and will be on it like a junk yard dog on a bone. What are you blaming me for? You know your mother doesn’t like me. Quit listening to her and we would be all right. She’s the problem between us! Don’t let yourself be misguided. Stick with the facts and continue to hold the abuser accountable. Don’t let him throw others under the bus to save himself.

4. Deception
Abusive men like to get away with whatever they can. The tactics include sneaking, stealing and lying. These are the guys who will tell you they are out bowling when having a sexual meet-up or say they are working late when out with the boys. As long as they don’t get caught, they continue to lie. Catch them in a lie and they are apt to deny, distort or deflect. How many lies do you have to catch your partner in before you get the message; this is an abusive man. No solid relationship can be built on lies.

5. Denigration
Denigration is a verbally violent tactic of the abusive men. These are put-downs that are meant to cause their partner to feel bad. To the degree they can make their partner feel bad, they elevate their own status. These men will demean and/or blame you for any issue originating with them. This kind of abuse is particularly dangerous to a women’s self-esteem. Once you accept that you are a lowly dog, he’s got full control of you and will use you up and spit you out when finished.

Sadly, abusive men live among us and what’s worse; they can hide like wolves in sheep’s clothing. They can appear charming and they will try to work their way into your heart. They seek to ingratiate themselves to you. However, once in, they’re out to exploit. Try and thwart them and they rely on their five best friends to hold power so they can continue to win their way for their own gratification.

If your partner uses any of these strategies or combination of strategies on you, see what you can do to help yourself. The likelihood of changing the truly abusive man is limited. Your local women’s shelter would be a good first place to seek counselling or a referral to other community resources.

Gary Direnfeld MSW, RSW

*** I could tell you stories about each and every one of these. It’s so easy to see it looking back, but so hard to see when it’s right in front of you!!

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“Angie’s” Story…. So young and in ‘love’…..weren’t we all….

i live in Alberta Canada when i was 17 i was in grade 11 i was living on my own first was going live with cuz but didnt work. i lived in women shelter then i found room and board that didnt work, cuz my aunt said i had party i didnt. i was kick out back at women shelter. then i met Derek he said need a roommate he was in grade 12. i said sure.i met Alvin though Derek, i dated Oct and Nov then Derek decided move back to Edmonton. i moved in with Alvin. so much hints i should left but i was young and inlove. first he had friends who was banned from a city. 2 way he pushed drinking on me. 3 he would take off but not alot at first.when i was about finish grade 11, i found out i am preg i was 17 and half yrs i told him we didnt have be together but allow him see he said no i want stay. then my mom was getting sick she was diagnosed with breast cancer when i was 15 she told me when i was 16y next thing i know i have son he was helping he was coming home and drinking less. i was like wow did he change. i found out i was preg again he like wanna marry. i said yes i was 6months preg got married and 18y. after we got married. it changed he didnt come home lied alot drinking more. my mom was sicker now in hospital cancer now in bones and organs. :(i was trying see her and let her see grand children. my mom passed it got worse. Alvin started cheating he come home really drunk alot and he yell and push me at the wall my son would yell dont push mom. i realize i need to change i didnt want him grow up like him. the last day Alvins friend came in started hitting me and kick me Alvin didnt stop. see Dean wanted to move in i didnt want him too and he had 30days find a place well he was mad at me. i called landlord he called the police. i told Alvin you walk out the door its over. he did it was over and for years i felt sad but relief. but stressed i had 2y daughter and 3yr son. i was 20y my mom passed year prior. :(i had rough start on my own with 2 children child welfare accusing me cuz i was young i was neglecting but wasnt i ran away to diff province Pei. i decided to come back to Alberta cuz i thought father grew up and got rid of dean. long story short Alvins foster aunt (Alvin grew up in foster care his mom died of heart attack he was 9months and she had 9 children) wanted take my children away so 2y3m i fought hard against her and child welfare. i proofed i wasnt a bad mother. i wouldnt hurt or neglect i never was arrested or charged with child abused. i dont drink do drugs or party. yet there so many parent i seen worse still have their children. now i have 15 daughter 16 son and i am childcare lvl 2 and health care aide worker. i am better i know it rough but it will get better i never gave up and be strong. this my story

** Angie is not this Momma’s real name…..Thank you for sharing your story, I want us to get through to women before they get in the situation we got into…. HUGS!!

If you want to share your story, emal AutumnIvyMommy

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